Life, fully

TL;DR: Things can be slow in grad school. Constant planning for the future made me feel like I wasn’t doing enough. Until I realized I am where I want to be. That I can be both in a good place and moving in the right direction. I am now trying to be more aware of it, even as I’m setting goals and working towards bigger things.

For a while now, especially with the start of a new year, I have been in planning mode: setting goals, keeping better to-do lists in my bullet journal, searching companies and jobs, and dreaming about places I wanted to visit. I tried to only act in ways that got me closer to accomplishing all these things. And it’s generally great, because it gives me the sense that I am using my time wisely and purposefully, that something bigger and better is coming!

The problem is that, without realizing, I had the constant feeling in the back of my head that I was not doing enough… As a grad student, I always go back to the same lab with the same hallways, working on the same research project I have been working on for more than a year. Not really discovering new places in my city or meeting new people. Preparing for my proposal that’s more than half a year away. It just seemed like the future couldn’t come faster.

But the other day I went to a student presentation from a different department that I have an interest in. The material was new to me but captivating. The students in the room had their own research and their own diverse plans for the future. It was refreshing. And then, as I was walking home and enjoying the beautiful sunny day, I realized… I am where I want to be! Grad school, and this particular school, is a big step in achieving my goals. And as I am now thinking of my thesis, potential companies, and what I really want to do next in life, a few years back I was planning which grad schools and programs I wanted to join. Those “same hallways” I mentioned… I walked those hallways with my heart in my throat before my first grad interview. Looking at pictures of cool fighter aircraft on the walls, I was dying to be accepted here. My current research project deals with a department of aircraft design companies I was dreaming of getting access to. I know so much more now than when I graduated from college thanks to amazing classes and projects I was a part of here. I am where I want to be.

The greatest part about this realization is that it doesn’t have to be either/or. I am still planning and dreaming and I have this urge to do more. I feel something bigger is coming. But I am happy with where I am as well, and I am enough. It’s lovely to stop and think about it every now and then.

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